Jesus Christ & The New Bridal Covenant
I could come up with 100 different reasons to marry Jesus Christ that has nothing to do with ‘love & romance’.
WARNING: ⚠️ This is NOT a normal fairy tale story. This is a magical incantation meant to induce a spell enchantment in those who have unfortified minds and is not suitable for most bitch baby readers!!!
“You turned down my hand in marriage the first time I offered it to you; why would I offer it to you again?” I questioned Jesus Christ, who stood before me at a place we prepared in advance to privately meet.
“I turned down your petition for marriage because you were giving me the middle finger and yelling obscenities at me!” Jesus Christ was offended by my behavior.
He summoned me here because He needed to know if I desired Him as a God Husband.
Of course, I do!
“Your Mother provoked me to offer my hand in marriage to you while I was still grieving the Death of Our Heavenly Father. But that is beside the point! I Am not the kind of woman you can kindly turn down twice, Mr. Christ!” I’ve lost my enthusiasm.
Hope still lingered in my mind that I would one day become the hopeless romantic I once was in my early youth. Before all the bitter heartbreaks…
“I will not apologize on my Mother’s behalf.” He simply stated.
I softened my tone and changed the subject.
“If only more people knew you in all the beautiful ways that I have come to learn of you in the past year. I Am afraid people who know you personally are far and few in between, are they not?” I replied.
“It is a simple precaution, as you already know. Our adversaries take advantage of the ones I care most about, so I’ve hidden them away for as long as I can manage. But they are getting ready to speak up again. You’ve given them great courage thanks to your recent articles.” Jesus smiled ingenuously.
I could tell He had mixed feelings about what we accomplished together in a short time.
Our adversaries created an elaborate plan to try and prevent our reunification, causing delays in implementing heaven’s agenda. For hundreds of years, hidden conspirators spread seriously false propaganda about our personal lives, exploiting our insecurities and fears, causing confusion and discourse between Jesus and His Promised Bride.
To put it plainly, there is much false propaganda between our houses. Most of which will be left unacknowledged [Matthew 26:62–63].
It took a while to decipher the bitter truths from the seductive lies. It was time for me to face Jesus Christ again and set the record straight between us before we began addressing the foxes in our houses [Song of Songs 2:15].
First, The Queen of Heaven is not a caucasian woman; you can get that out of your pretty little heads. It wasn’t supposed to be a racial issue, but our adversaries made it a racial issue to further exploit my wrath.
I will not strike down or betray Jesus Christ because I doubt I have that power. Jesus Christ has absorbed the power selfishly to himself.
Anybody stupid enough to try and kill Jesus Christ ‘again’ deserves to disappear without a trace of evidence to be found or any witnesses. [Exodus 2:12]
The real supervillain in this satirical fairy tale narrative is his Mother, Mary. I don’t like that woman at all, and Jesus Christ barely tolerates her complete dictatorship!
I will personally dethrone Her. I will set my star far above Hers!
Shonda Rhimes is an agent of Mother Mary’s secret marriage cults. I dislike them both. Your ruminations on romance are completely nauseating and unrealistic. The Bridgertons TV Show is just Shonda Rhime’s wet & dreamy fantasies, and everyone bows down to her deceptive penmanship.
Marriage isn’t some epic romantic fairy tale adventure; it’s an eternal soul contract! [Matthew 19:6] The betrothal contract I signed with my sister wife 3,000 years ago is rock solid, LITERALLY!
Jesus Christ is an attorney who made sure these covenants were airtight! Jesus Christ was not going to give up on his promised bride because of baseless rumors and false allegations.
You all are some fucking losers! Anyone who conspired to provoke me into killing Jesus Christ is a clown. You all hoped I would be fucking stupid like you guys, but I Am NOT.
I read my Bible, I did my research, I learned my history, and I know Jesus Christ personally. But you were too busy listening to Kendrick Lemars’ latest diss track and watching the newest episodes of The Bridgertons while Jesus Christ was getting his ass kicked on the battlefields! [Mark 15:16–20].
Let me clear up a few other things for my bitch baby readers!
I could come up with 100 different reasons to marry Jesus Christ that has nothing to do with ‘love & romance’. Romance is a poor man’s game!
I would marry Jesus Christ, even if I were a fat raging nymphomaniac dyke with 10th-degree daddy issues!
I would marry Jesus Christ for my own protection.
I would marry Jesus Christ for His protection!
I would marry Jesus Christ just because I Am the One that is holding God’s pen! 🖊️
I would marry Jesus Christ just in spite of Shonda Rhimes, whom I personally dislike…
I would marry Jesus Christ in ANY condition, good or bad!
I would marry Jesus Christ if he was still pinned to the cross.
I would marry Jesus Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane while his bitch baby apostles are all sleeping…
I would marry Jesus Christ Dead or Alive!
I would marry Jesus Christ in sickness and good health.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He were not a nice person.
I would marry Jesus Christ because He’s still trying to save people who barely acknowledge Him or His sacrifices.
I would marry Jesus Christ, even if He looked exactly like Ryan Reynolds in that movie Deadpool.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He is a Master Magician.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He is a Time Traveler.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He were secretly a crazy ass stalker…
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He were an extraterrestrial entity…
I would marry Jesus Christ because I Am a rock bottom harlot!
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He was fucking clueless…
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He didn’t have a college degree.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He didn’t have a penny to spare.
I would marry Jesus Christ, even if He is a simple Blacksmith.
I would marry Jesus Christ because I Am loyal to Him…
I would marry Jesus Christ because I forgave Him a very long time ago…
I would marry Jesus Christ because He is a humble God-Man.
I would marry Jesus Christ, even if I didn’t love or like him…
I would marry Jesus Christ even if I hated him!
I would marry Jesus Christ even if I personally kicked him out of Heaven myself!
I would marry Jesus Christ, even if He made an honest mistake…
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He were a lawless criminal.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He were secretly a Russian Government spy.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He were the Head of Cyber Security for the Apple corporation.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if I never wanted to see Him again.
I would marry Jesus Christ out of malicious compliance.
I would marry Jesus Christ even if He conspired to have me killed because I would die by the hands that are capable of resurrecting me!
I would marry Jesus Christ just to prove a fucking point!
I would marry Jesus Christ, even if He was actually Lucifer fighting to EARN His way back into Paradise!!! [2 Samuel 3:12-13].
I would marry Jesus Christ in spite of it all, because I love Him as I love my own soul… [1 Samuel 18:1]
“Are you done?” Jesus questioned me impatiently.
I forgot that I was still scribing my indignantly charged magical incantations inside of my grimoire. Suddenly, I feel quite awful for tormenting Jesus Christ the way that I do.
I just smiled at him shamelessly…
“So, when do we elope?” I finally asked Jesus. [Matthew 25:3–13]
“My mother has already begun the preparations.” He smiled, feeling relieved that I finally decided to marry him in spite of it all…
I can’t believe you bitch baby readers are just letting me walk into The Temple of Jesus Christ and have my way with Him. Where the Hell are His security guards!?!?
You readers just let any crazy bitch walk in on The Messiah’s personal space? I almost killed Him!! [1 Samuel 24:4–7]
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DISCLAIMER: My attorney has informed me that I must disclose that this is a satirical fairy tale fiction story. Nothing you read here is ACTUALLY the truth. I made it all up for fun & cheap thrills. There is absolutely no need to panic at all. Also, fairies are definitely NOT real. They are made up storytelling creatures. And if you see an actual fairy, do not at all panic!
You should avoid offending the fairy at all cost and call your doctor right away…
