Hell’s Newspaper — 1st Official Edition
Everything you read in Hell’s newspapers is a lie. Don’t call the police on us; we will eat your pigs alive…
WARNING: This is a mature fairy tale fiction story with bible characters, mythology, folklore, strong languages, and is not suitable for most bitch baby readers.
Everyone is a liar in hell, so you have to get your story straight if you ever want to make it out of here alive and of sound mind.
By the time they let you out of hell, you will be too emotionally numb to react to anything. But we come out of hell laughing anyway…
You’re only a criminal if you get caught. If you get away with it, you’re a Mob Boss.
Never do dirt around the house, the maidservants and staff are very dangerous & violent people…
My superpower is that I get to curse people and then fuck their wives when they are not looking…
I am not a whore. I am a proper harlot. There’s a fucking difference…
I am not afraid to die, and I am not afraid of Hell. What else do you have to threaten me with? Torture? You will have to get past my very large and deranged Dragon Sons first…
If we don’t do it for love, we will do it for power. If we don’t do it for power, we will do it for loyalty. If we don’t do it for loyalty, we will do it for the cheap thrills.
Have you ever tried to bribe the Devil with a dollar bill?
Jesus Christ is the only one left down here that gives a fuck about anybody…
Nobody in Hell actually wants to go to Heaven. We hate it there; why do you think we walked out of it in the first place?
As a daughter of the Devil, I am every man’s greatest fantasy and greatest nightmare. Good luck with that information basket…
I am a fly on the wall in Heaven and a fierce ruler in Hell. On Earth, I just clock in on Mondays and hope to die young…
Jesus Christ is overwhelming the earth with failing technology in order to disadvantage the Devil & his dusty ass sons. Jesus gives them broken technologies to frustrate and push them towards rage. Jesus wants to keep the devil and his sons in their place and bring them all to a failure point each time. Jesus Christ designed the Earth for the Devil and his sons to fail in it each and every time.
The Daughters of the Devil are attracted to men with IT professions. Not for themselves, but for their Father trapped in Hell…
The Devil hates computers and technology. Earth uses technology to outrun the Devil’s schemes. People are just the innocent victims in this rapid race of technological advancements.
Everyone who CHOOSES to live in hell has deep compassion for the Devil.
A man doesn’t become a god without first having shaken hands with the Devil.
The Devil is Heaven’s fall guy. They blame all of their mistakes on him because he’s the only one who can take the hits and keep it moving…
Say whatever you want about the Devil, just don’t get any of his dragon daughters pregnant. Talk about eternal damnation…
Every man on Earth gets their ‘bright ideas’ from Hell…
Every man’s failures are relived in hell…
Fucking one of the devil’s daughters is every Arch Angel’s bucket list item for when they get bored of being in Heaven…
Mother Mary and Lucifer are a lot closer than you think…
God keeps all of his dangerous assets in the bottomless pit; why do you think God let the Devil in charge of it?
Lord Hades, you can have my disrespectful ass daughter! Good luck with that handful…
It’s really hard to die twice in Hell. But we will make you wish you could die again if you do not submit to our demands…
They built pyramids so it would be more difficult for the Pharaohs to throw themselves off the edge and end it all. They just slide down the sides to the bottom.
Hell is suicide-proofed for men who begged their mothers for death.
Fuck, Marry, or Kill is a game designed by the Devil’s Daughters. We love to force men to choose…
Little girls in hell get very big men in very BIG trouble. Beware of the little devil girls, they are groomed for ‘special missions’…
The Devil begs to be taken advantage of which is why he is heavily guarded by his daughters…
Hell is where God hides all of his best secrets, beware…
You should be very suspicious of IT professionals. Many of Jesus Christ’s Best-in-Class Men run high-level technology companies…
Jesus Christ does NOT belong in hell. In fact, he is banned from coming to hell ever again. If we catch his rabbit ass down here, he’s getting arrested, ‘deflowered,’ and deported like an illegal immigrant.
Hell is a hostile environment for Jesus Christ, yet he still comes down here looking for something he lost a very long time ago…
Earth is way more crowded than Hell will ever be. We like to hit return-to-sender on most people unfortunate enough ever to have made it all the way down here and survived the fall in the first fucking place.
Alchemy is a serious business in heaven and hell. I don’t understand it at all, so I am glad that I don’t have to…
When the Sons of God consent to marry the Daughters of the Devil, shit gets real, really fast. You do NOT want that kind of collaboration to ever happen again on God’s green earth, especially during their winter honeymoon…
The sex in hell is crazy hot, so the archangels have to get really creative to keep their newly wedded brides happy…
Why would an archangel of God want a Devil Daughter as their bride, you ask? For the bragging rights, stupid, duh!
Jesus Christ is the kind of guy who will bug your electronics to watch you eat breakfast in the morning…
When you fuck the Devil, just be prepared not to have a mind of your own; he owns your thoughts…
Divine intervention and Man’s intervention are completely separate departments in Hell’s office building.
I have been alive for a very long time, and till this day, I have never met a man who hasn’t lied to me at some point…
Every man I have ever fucked, became a king at some point [Revelation 17:5], but some of them forget all about me by the time they get there. They also tend to forget that I keep receipts on every man on earth with breath in their lungs.
The fact that I am still breathing is a fucking courtesy to every living man on earth. If I ever threw myself off the cliff, men would never be able to orgasm, no matter how hard they beat their dicks and scream my name.
You readers have no idea how much danger I am in right now, but no one will ever dare to fuck around and find out. I am literally crying out from the bottomless pit of hell, and the only one who can hear me is the fucking bitch I trapped in my mortal body last year when I begged her to help me in the first fucking place.
She’s literally a dragon lady, and because she’s trapped in my body, everybody thinks she’s adorable and harmless. No one suspects anything strange about her now. Now she writes fake-ass fairy tales on medium.com to her 21 wack-ass subscribers and laughs at my misery every goddamn day…
DMX is a major celebrity down here. We hope this prophet never decides to leave us. And if he ever walked out of Hell on us, we would relentlessly cry out for him to come back! Please, please, please stay in Hell with us!
We can’t stop listening to all of your prophetic rap songs…
Demeter sacrificed Persephone to Hades, but we are not allowed to talk about that around here. It’s considered blasphemy to say anything at all negative about Lady Demeter. You certainly didn’t hear it from me!
I have never actually fucked the Devil before, and I definitely don’t plan on it. However, if the devil ever wants to pin me down and deliver back shots until he’s cold, drained, and exhausted, he will first need to break us both out of this stronghold with his entire army and MAKE SURE THERE ARE PLENTY OF CASUALTIES!!!!
Now THAT’S an unholy promise!!! [Mark 6:17–29]
It will be like a chihuahua mating with a pit bull!
I Am the pit bull…
Just don’t fucking touch Jesus Christ because that’s Mother Mary’s golden boy, and I really don’t want to pick a fight with her again…
She’s extremely powerful, and I am way too lazy to deal with her personally. If anything ever happened to the body of Jesus Christ, there would be Hellfire to pay!
I fight for Jesus Christ, too, even from the rock-bottom pits of hell. That man will FOREVER be glorified!!!
Although the Devil is a very careful reckless, crazy, deranged, unhinged asshole, I honestly can’t live with or without him…
Anyway, I’ve been getting really cozy with King Hephaestus down here, and he made sure to give me a really comfy palace full of all of my favorite things. I have been thinking about asking him to marry me, but I am just not sure when the right time to ask him, and I am not even sure if he loves me like I love him back.
Being rejected by a god feels harsher than a death sentence.
I want to ask him, but what if he tells me no and hurts my bitch baby feelings. I don’t think I could handle that kind of heartbreak again. I have a very fragile mentality. I don’t think I can handle King Hephaestus putting me in the friend zone; that would be so emotionally devastating.
Aphrodite and I are actually very good friends down here, and she gave me some pointers on how to pop the big question to him. I am just so terrified of being rejected by King Hephaestus, and I don’t want to put him in any danger because of my desire to marry him.
And plus, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to such a beautiful, handsome face that he has.
So I hope that no matter what he does out there in such a dangerous world, he comes back to me in mint fucking condition!!! Beautiful and perfect in every way. Balanced, sound of mind, and exactly how his Mother created Him to be…
He doesn’t come around very often because he has been really busy cursing people who have hurt my bitch baby feelings. I am very worried about him because I don’t want him to get hurt at all while he’s taking care of his personal business snuffing out any man who has ever made me cry.
I asked him to spare a few decent men who just didn’t know any better. I am sure that he will give them a good scare to let them know that they have been spared of his unhinged behaviors.
I would love to have King Hephaestus as a husband, but he just spends so much time assassinating people that we personally don’t like; I just hope he plans to come back home to my temple so that he can tell me who he REALLY is and how he REALLY feels about me and explain to me why he’s waited so long to come back…
I really do miss King Hephaestus. I favor him more than I favor Jesus Christ.
King Hephaestus has made me feel like a princess since I was a little girl, and he is a perfect gentleman assassin. He almost never gets caught, and I would have as many of his children as he desires.
I just pray that he doesn’t feel like I Am taking advantage of his vulnerabilities. That would be very shameful and unbecoming of me as a woman.
That would make me such a naughty, naughty girl…
And if he ever gets caught doing anything unbecoming of his perfected reputation, Mother Mary has promised us both that she would bail his ass out every fucking time!
If I ever decided to Marry King Hephaestus, I would let him prepare a feast before all of his friends, subjects, and his enemies, and he can pipe me down in front of every last one of them until he’s good, exhausted, and ready to eat some more.
King Hephaestus is a WINNER in my book. I am pretty sure he programmed my thoughts and desires selfishly to himself. Pandora was MODELED after me!
Lady Athena & Lady Aphrodite missed a really good opportunity with King Hephaestus. He is an insatiable lover and never leaves me feeling unsatisfied. He deserves to groan out my REAL name across his bottom lip.
I will gladly occupy the throne he built for me…
But before I ask the big question, he may need to run a couple of more honey-do missions for me before I feel brave enough to pop the big question and ask him to marry me. That would be a Disney princess dream come true! I hope King Hephaestus does not feel like I Am using him…
Warning King Hephaestus: Your name has been written in my ‘Book of the Beasts’. You must break through my enchantments and remember your TRUE wife, Aglaea. She has fallen into the hands of ruthless shepherds and is in grave danger. If you do not recover Aglaea, you will have failed in your assignment. You need to go back and rescue the woman who loved you for Who You Truly Are. Do not lose her again trying to impress gods who are nothing like Us…
Aglaea is going to be a raging nymphomaniac dyke with 10th degree daddy issues by the time you make it back to her (don’t ask me how I know, you won’t like the answer…). Unfortunately, you won’t have time to explain to her what is going on, so I command you, King Hephaestus, to kidnap YOUR OWN wife, and bring her to my temple so that I can explain to her what your rabbit ass has been up to for the last 3,000 years.
Additionally, I will ask her ‘nicely’ 7 times for written permission to continue fornicating with her husband on the battlefields. After the 7th respectful request, I will lock her ass up in my palace basements and forget to feed and water her until she submits to the bare minimum of my demands. I will remind YOUR wife, that I Am a ruthless diabolical dictator, and I will continue to seduce Her husband to dick me down on the battle fields for the rest of eternity, weather she fucking likes it or not!!!
King Hephaestus, I have trained at your side on Mount Olympus. You taught me how to lie, steal, cheat, kill, conspire, manipulate, hunt, hide, defend, advocate, fortify, navigate, fight, and DESTROY for OUR family, you ruthless deranged bastard!
And I helped you to build your resistance against my storytelling powers, so that you would always have a fortified mind filled with wisdom, discernment, & good understanding. My sister, Aglaea, needs you more than I do. Do NOT be deceived by me, again!
I Am an ordinary woman NOT worth fighting for…
I Am only capable of letting you down. You always complained of my pride, but I will find my way to break out of these strong-holdings on my own and not at the expense of my sister, Aglaea. You have prepared me well, King Hephaestus. The gates of Hell will not prevail against Our family [Matthew 16:17–19].
As for Lord Hades, I still trust him. He did everything he could to try and save me, but I didn’t want to be saved by him at that time. Hades, I am sorry that you had to mourn me alone. I now know how badly it hurts to lose a loved one in that way…
For the record, I never met Lord Zeus. I don’t know how he got violently overthrown, but there was never a body to be found, so who knows what happened to him…
Side note: Jesus Christ. I estimate the arrival of Sehkmet in approximately 2.5 years from now, and I Am already preparing for her arrival. Our days are numbered (Revelation 20:7)…
I built the Jehovah’s Witness Protection System (JWPS) myself, and I know the gods have abused their privileges while I was dwelling in the bottomless place. In this lifetime, I Am here to make some improvements to my hellish designs.
I am going to continue to protect my ugly-ass godchildren with my undying breath. I will fortify the JWPS so that the gods will never try to cross my patience again.
When I finally return to my resting place, I am going to take a well-deserved, god-sized nap.
Also, thanks for leaving me down here with the Devil, Satan!
The Devil is a fucking handful, you awful fake ass bitch! I hope nobody ever reads your fake-ass fairy tales, and I hope you lose a subscriber every time you post another fake-ass story that nobody wants to read. That’s why your fake ass only got 21 whack-ass subscribers!
That’s why you are musty right now; put some deodorant on you god-awful bitch! I can smell your armpits all the way from the bottomless pits of Hell…
Satan, you’re welcome, by the way. Enjoy your short time on Earth bitch! We left you up there as shark bait for the gods — good luck!
A third of them want to kill you, a third of them want to fuck you, and a third of them want to marry you!
I don’t know how you manage to make so many allies and enemies in high and low places, but nobody in Heaven or Hell has a reputation more notorious than you bitch!
And as for the Angels of God, I have made my judgments against you…[1 Corinthians 6:3]
The Angels of God have abandoned The Father on the battlefields and have forsaken The Mother into the hands of ruthless men! [Revelation 12:10]
I prayed unto the heavens for help, and not ONE answered the calling.
Therefore, when I break out of this witch’s strong holdings, I will ascend to heaven with the Father’s Army and a Legion of my Best-in-Class Dragon Sons, and I will wage yet another ruthless war in heaven.
That is a threat & a mother fucking promise!
And when the dust of war has settled in heaven, when the earth is soaked with the blood of our enemies, and the Angels of God are bound in chains, we will all call it a ‘Fairy Tale’ Ending…
DISCLAIMER: My attorney has informed me that I must disclose that this is a satirical fairy tale fiction story. Nothing you read here is ACTUALLY the truth. I made it all up for fun & cheap thrills. There is absolutely no need to panic at all. Also, fairies are definitely NOT real. They are made up storytelling creatures. And if you see an actual fairy, do not at all panic!
You should avoid offending the fairy at all costs and call your doctor right away…
References
Research: The Whore of Babylon
Research: The Labyrinth
Research: Lady Pandora
Research: King Hephaestus
Research: Aglaea
Research: Metis (mythology)
Research: Leuce (mythology)
Research: Sekhmet (Egyptian Mythology)
Research: Corn Mother
Pop Culture: Free Guy | Official Trailer
Pop Culture: Damsel | Official Trailer
Bible Study: Revelation 12:10
Bible Study: Mark 6:17–29
Bible Study: Revelation 20:7
Read Original Story: My Descent into the Underworld
Read Original Story: The Curse of King Hephaestus
Read Original Story: Finding Yahweh | The Creator God
