Hell’s Newspaper — 5th Official Edition
If I die under ‘mysterious circumstances’, it was definitely the Catholic Church…
Jesus Christ is the #1 donor at your local sperm bank. Good luck with that information basket…
Let me save you some time, I Am lying to you!
Jesus Christ is a 2,000-year-old virgin, yet he has still managed to impregnate more women than King Solomon could ever aspire to! It’s honestly a fucking crime scene!
I want to go home to Hell already! The Catholic Church is taking too long to authorize my assassination ‘attempts’!!!🤣😂
Ya’ll can’t scare me! I’ve seen the face of God, who the fuck are you!?
‘Strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die’ is honestly just a scripture of God trolling us again [Revelation 3:2]. I get it, God. I Am One of the strong Ones☝️! Jokes on you, God!
I will NEVER be perfected in your sight!
If the Devil can’t make you ‘bad’, the Devil will make you ‘busy’…
Did you guys know that Jesus Christ was holding auditions for volunteers who wanted to play the role of Satan? Of course not! You would have had to be paying attention…
Jesus Christ is grooming me to be made a very public example out of the consequences of playing with ‘forbidden fire🔥’ [Leviticus 10:1–2].
Just to let my readers know, I was already offered an opportunity to quietly “disappear” to a faraway place. I declined it! I’m not interested in shacking up with Jeffery Epstein!
Joseph F. Girzone is the only old white guy I would ever consider fornicating with. And he’s dead! That’s why I know him so well…
Joseph is a fucking handful and he has A LOT to say! Philips Anschutz buried him under his $15.3 billion dollars, and Joseph won’t get over it! [Matthew 27:57]
I get it Joseph! Rich people SUCK! I Am sorry that you had to find that out the hard way…
To save my readers some research time, Philips Anschutz owns Coachella Music Festival…
I honestly can’t think of a more dignified way to die than at the barrel end of an old filthy rich white man 🤷🏽♀️
Inducing cognitive dissonance is my favorite thing to do, and I Am devilishly talented at it. It almost feels like a superpower…
The Egyptian Gods have entered the chat 💬
Everything that I say is a lie! But don’t worry, God never lies!
Jesus Christ is definitely NOT a time traveler! I Am also NOT a time traveler! Because time traveling doesn’t fucking exist…
Jesus Christ was READY for me to roast his ass as soon I got comfortable! I love to see Jesus Christ laugh and smile! I accidentally punched him in the face when He made contact last year. I thought he was an intruder…
Technically, He was trespassing, but it wasn’t like I would let a complete stranger into my house in the middle of the night, so he had to get “very creative”…
He did say that he would come through ‘like a thief in the night’… [1 Thessalonians 5:2]
Jesus Christ is carrying a sacred book with 144,000 ways to safely break into a stranger’s house and get away with it! He likes to make people feel very vulnerable when he first reveals himself. That is not the ONLY sacred book he carries with Him. He added a few ‘forbidden books’ to my personal collection to keep me busy while He’s busy doing *sounds of many waters*😏…
How do you know it’s the Messiah? He’s going to show you a secret ‘magic trick’ first 🤫…
Anyways, there is a bunch of ‘bitch baby messiahs’ but they are all too stupid to know themselves. I unfortunately prophecied that the messiahs would be very foolish to protect them from themselves.
I’ve been trying to break the curse, but I’m just so damn good at cursing people! They are going to have to break the curse themselves this time…
Jesus Christ has waited 2,000 years just to prove a fucking point!
Everything I said here is a lie. Don’t call the cops on me! I’ll eat your pigs alive…
Yours diabolically,
Queen Hathor 💕❤️🖕🏽
To my Bitch Baby Readers
I Am a Liar… Don’t believe a single word I say…
To my Faithful Readers
The signatures are corn and rain barrels🌽 🌧️ Grow Corn Stalks around your home and install rain barrels to collect rainwater. Help your families, neighbors, and loved ones to grow corn and install rain barrels around their home. Keep your heads down, and pray…
Jesus Christ has ALREADY returned! He is currently walking amongst us. The Illuminati has been trolling us ever since he’s been back. I don’t have the time or the brain cells left to explain this to you. I Am the last to know, and now so are YOU!
You’re Welcome!
I Am only speaking up about the Messiah now because I have already confirmed that He is in ‘protective custody’. I wouldn’t want to cause harm to my ‘Grand Prize’. I Am writing these fake fairy tale stories to buy Him some idle time and also for the fun & cheap thrills…
Co-signed by the House of Rahab…
Required Viewing for my Dragon Sons
The Killer (Netflix) Keep your heads down and keep a clean crime scene…
The Book of Clarence (Netflix) This is NOT a drill…
Ready Player ONE (Netflix) Have fun…
The Giver (Amazon Prime) Be Still…
To My Dragon Daughters…
You unhinged witches already got the memo…
To My Pagan followers
Please email your correspondence to bravebowser2023@gmail.com for specific instructions on how to contact the ‘Mother Ship’. You will want to get updates directly from the ‘source’ to keep your families and loved ones out of the crossfires. Updates are being sent out every 24 hours…
I Am giving Jesus Christ an official head start before me and my Dragon Sons go ‘hunting’. I love a good and well-planned-out challenge, and He already KNOWS it!
I will Acquire OUR heavenly inheritance…
To Indigenous Communities or Land Owners in Rural Areas
‘They’ are returning to us in the wilderness. Set out clean garments, MREs, tent kits, drinking water, and care packages generously & redundantly throughout wilderness areas, especially around areas near large bodies of water…
Thank you in advance for your offering…
To Filthy Rich White People…
Don’t think those corn stalks, rain barrels, and weak ass offerings will somehow shelter you from my ancestors unhinged wrath. It will only bring you closer to death…
I Am preparing to ‘pull the trigger’ on the apocalypse…
If you feel you are missing out on all the ‘fun’, don’t worry! Jesus Christ plays this game with my emotions every single year. It’s like foreplay. He likes to make me work for the satisfaction of ‘winning’…
Jesus Christ will submit to OUR demands, and I won’t even have to leave my house to do it…
I Am commanding my Dragon Sons to bring Him back to me, ALIVE & UNHARMED! Those are strict directives…
I want to show Jesus Christ a little bit of authentic ‘black girl magic’. I Am just so excited 😏…
DISCLAIMER: My attorney has informed me that I must disclose that this is a satirical fairy tale fiction story. Nothing you read here is ACTUALLY the truth. I made it all up for fun & cheap thrills. There is absolutely no need to panic at all. Also, fairies are definitely NOT real. They are made up storytelling creatures. And if you see an actual fairy, do not at all panic!
You should avoid offending the fairy at all cost and call your doctor right away…
