Fairy Tale Testimony of the Newlywed Wife of God.
WARNING: This is a mature fairy tale fiction story with bible characters, mythology, native american legends, strong languages, and is not suitable for most bitch baby readers.
The God of Israel has stolen my love and affection for himself in order to make an “attempt” to save humanity…
Signed — Your Fairy God Mother
UPDATED: August 22nd, 2024 with New Links & Pop Culture References.
How do I get out of a 2,000-year-old bargain and a 3,000-year-old contract? A bargain that I likely had a hand in designing but I’ve been drowned in the lethe so many times I can’t even remember what time I came into the kitchen garage store to retrieve the sock opener hard driver 5000.
I stand malfunctioned in my modern kitchen to meet with my spirit maidens...
My memory always escapes me. Always at the tip of mind & tongue but never within grasping distance. It’s probably the ridiculous amount of marijuana I smoke to manage my apathy towards the human condition.
The more memories I recover the more I realize that I likely had a hand in designing such a complex bargain. Or maybe I have nothing at all to do with it and I am just history’s most foolish woman who managed to get herself ensnared in a bargain of biblical era proportions.
Or maybe I am a delusional groundhog — haven’t we all seen this story happen before?
On the best of days I am happy and excited about my circumstances. On the worst of days I remind myself that I Am in a hostage situation. I wrote down in my notes to research stockholm syndrome.
Researching my concerns both aggravates my paranoia and remedies it. A delicate balancing act as I push the limits each day. I am pleased to know that God always had a plan for me. That I was on his mind from the beginning of time. And that every bargain had its fine print especially when the gods are involved.
I may no longer be in control of my circumstances but the bright side is always available to me at any moment. Lord YHWH is my husband now. I am safe with him. I trust in his will. And he will come to collect me at the proper time.
My spirit maidens grow frustrated with me. ‘She won’t take her medicine. She embarks on week-long conspiracies. She hardly leaves the house anymore. She doesn’t sleep at night. She eats like a cow! She’s frequently late for work. She can barely peel herself off the bed in the mornings. She’s always glued to her studies, conjuring up new theories or planning her next great escape…’
‘Isn’t it considered rude to wake up the dead?’ I would protest at them.
Doing anything I wanted to do in the fleeting moment was my truest desire and anything asides that was like nails to the chalkboard. I felt undomesticated, feral, and probably possessed by a number of my own demons. My once polished appearances descended into pale features with dark shadows.
Earth has been rough in the short time since I’ve been back. I obsessively analyze how I got here to this moment. Standing in the kitchen for my normal meetings with the spirit maidens. They only appear to me when I am completely alone and open to hearing from them. An open invitation I gave to them early on since they were the first to break through the veil.
I remember their frantic encounter. I was gardening my small allotment of vegetables when I heard their grave warnings…
“Eat only from your garden! Study your bible! Follow God’s commandments! Keep yourself hidden in plain sight!”
‘Where the hell are these voices coming from!?’ A visit to my psychiatrist was in short order.
He would later explain to me that the sudden voices were the cause of work related stress and that a common prescription would remedy my concerns. But as a woman of observational sciences I decided to embark on a new path. Investigate the sources of these new voices and follow down its path to the very bottom. I would carefully document the experiences along the way to reflect on them afterwards.
I took the bait. That’s exactly how I got ensnared. Curiosity killed a cat they often say so thankfully I have at least 8 more lives left…
Curiosity certainly got the best of me this time but it also led me down the greatest adventure of my lifetime. As of this writing I continue to find new discoveries each day and more side quests than I could possibly explore in a single lifetime.
God certainly knew how to keep his new wife busy. Whenever I meet a dead end in my research He sends a messenger bearing new leads and rabbit holes for me to explore.
I imagine myself in the world’s most impressive hamster cage with miles of tunnels and rooms with toys, wheels, treats, and burrowing piles. Endless new places to explore. Fattened with stores of food and endless entertainment. But then suddenly I realize that I am in a cage and then I start plotting my escape…
And once I think I’ve made it out of the cell I realize that I still have to get past the guards whom have put me back into my sanctuary multiple times in my past attempts of escaping God’s Matrix.
‘I will find a way out of here and find the other maidens. I will get them all out of here!’ I would foolishly say to myself before each escape attempt.
It’s not myself that I am concerned with. I don’t consider myself selfless. I would throw all of the Sons of Adam under the bus and not think twice about it. But I knew that my choice to be here meant the capture of spirit maidens. No one likes to be held prisoner no matter how nice the accommodations are.
I remember the look on their faces as they so bravely fought for their Queen and the children of the kingdom. The faces of the mothers who died fighting to protect their children. Died fighting for their family and for honor. The greatest warriors that I ever bore witness to. I will never forget their secret sacrifices. I will never forget that they fought to protect my honor since the beginning of time.
At the time I was watching the children play by the corn fields. Children who were taken from the earth too soon. We were all their mothers. No single one of us identified as anything other than every child’s mother. No child’s soul ever turned away no matter how rambunctious or deviant the upper world labeled them.
Kindness was the currency amongst the children who embraced each other’s differences. There was no shame or consequence. Only a sanctuary of many mothers and lost children both firm and nurturing in our nature. Free from fear of any dangers or nefarious activities.
Or so we thought…
We were taken on the battlefield. Faceless Priests came from the tree lines and their presence invoked fear and danger. I was their first unsuspecting victim…
It happened in the blink of an eye as the once blue skies became dark and ominous. I was tied loosely with rope just enough to breathe comfortably but firm enough to prevent me from lifting myself from the ground.
I searched for the few children whom I sensed hiding in the corn fields. I could see their concerned faces too scared to make a single sound. I commanded them to make a run for it. Emitting fear into their minds and hearts sending them screaming together towards the palace walls, alarming the other maidens to prepare for battle.
The alarmed spirit maidens quickly recovered the children and took their places in the corn fields to access the conditions of my capture. Hoping to remain undetected long enough to ambush my faceless captors who could be seen roaming the fields appearing to search for any remaining lost children.
The maidens did not know that I was their bait and that the captors were staging the scene, lighting the corn fields on fire to smoke them out. My spirit maidens counted the captors and fancied themselves to have outnumbered them. They lifted themselves from the burning corn fields and began their counter attack.
They fought down the captors with great honor and bravery. I marveled at their fierceness. I knew then that no matter what happened to me that the children of our kingdom were in good and safe hands.
By now the sanctuary defenses would have been deployed and the children safely tucked away in the emergency bunkers. There would be no getting in or out of the sanctuary once locked down. Even in this rare event that our sense of peace and safety would become defiled.
I rested my eyes towards the flames. A snake came forth from the fire settling just inches from my face.
“You’re safe. You’re loved. You’re okay. You may rest…” the serpent whispered.
That’s when we all fell into a deep sleep. My maiden warriors collapsing to the ground into a comatose state. They too would be captured. And we would become separated in the upper world left only to communicate in code via classical literature, fiction blogs, art, books, stand up comedy, movies, television series, fairy tales, fiction novels, and divine comedies.
We’ve all been conditioned to be silenced otherwise. Many of us sit in the mental asylums where the most ambitious of us tries to escape our fate. Only I had the authority to speak up about what happens behind the veils as the rules don’t exactly apply to me the same way as it does to my faithful servants.
They accused me in the heavenly courts of being Satan in the flesh, therefore I might as well walk and quack like the notorious duck they say that I Am.
Your Queen may have been captured but I am pleased to report that I and my maidens are unharmed within our new living accommodations and that I am the most proud of my maiden warriors who bravely fought and the spirit maidens whom have protected the children within the sanctuary and called in reinforcements when required.
I understand many of you may have not made the following decisions for yourselves but while we trust in God’s will, I will continue to negotiate for the greater good of our newly combined kingdoms.
The conditions for our safe and peaceful return are as follows to my limited understanding I admit. I am only partially informed on the bargains designed by God. I am left to my own devices to investigate the fine print of the original bargain and make amendments to the developing treaty between our two kingdoms.
I Am the Newlywed Wife of God.
This has been accomplished in an elopement ritual ceremony that has already taken place. That there is to be a full pardon of any crimes committed by the Sons of God. Christ Jesus is the measurement of character for the fallen Sons of God who wishes to follow his path to salvation and be covered under this new treaty between kingdoms. This ensures that only the carefully reformed fallen sons are allowed back from their banishment. That only those who submit to the will of God may be pardoned and granted access to our sanctuaries.
I surrender control of our sanctuaries to Lord Yahweh, the God of Israel. My beloved Husband. We will be of one mind and united. Our Kingdoms combined.
I know this declaration may be alarming as many of you would have not made the same decisions that I have made. But if we can not trust in God then whom can we trust?
Part of the fated bargain was God would be allowed enough time to explain to me his position in a series of private hearings. I patiently listened to both God and his several adversaries.
I myself was put on the stands as my own sins were put on trial leaving me with no foundation to judge even the most despicable crimes committed in secret.
A witch trial of apocalyptic proportions. The verdict was that I would either marry God or be burned at the stake for my secret private practices that I used to monitor the ancestral realms from my upper world position giving me unfair advantages in life. Even the slightest of sins committed in secret are known to God. There is no place amongst us safe from his oversight.
‘Am I actually a real witch? Because not even I knew about my powers…’ I was convinced that I may have actually committed these crimes that they were accusing me of.
The prosecutor put together one Hell of an argument. This would have put the Amber Heard vs. Johnny Depp case to shame. I am Amber Heard and I really thought I could fool everyone. Masquerading around as a socially awkward plus sized woman when I am actually Satan in the flesh.
My attorney, no other than my arrogant adversary Christ Jesus, conspired with his Mother Mary hundreds of years ago to ensnare me into this awful trap. Bravo and well played to the dynamic duo.
They called it “The Great Experiment…”
They both anticipated my arrival and elaborately planned a series of stumbling blocks that would take the ‘Foolish Queen’ hundreds of years to fall victim to. I should’ve just stayed within my sanctuaries but I ventured into the upper world to monitor the conditions plaguing vulnerable women and children.
I kept myself quietly hidden in the shadows of an unsuspecting High Priestess who regarded me as her Holy Spirit. Later on she would betray my trust in a surprise plot twist worthy to be scripted into the stars next to Judas, the betrayer of Jesus.
Currently the High Priestess enjoys impostering herself in my place with the bounty gifted to her for having entrapped me in my circumstances. She begged me to take her place here in the upper world and for me to lend her my strength in a desperate domestic violence situation.
I obliged as I truly wanted to be of assistance to the damsel in distress. When it was time to switch back with the desperate priestess she refused me, having seen my sanctuaries, my gardens, my servants, subjects, consorts, and the children we all looked after. She envied my kingdom and decided not to return to her place here in the upper world.
Dumbfounded, I asked “What about your children, your husband, your friends, your family, and your career?” I was certain she wouldn’t abandon her entire life.
“My children are spoiled brats, my friends are fake, my family are a bunch of clowns, I have a mountain of debt, and my husband couldn’t find my g-spot if you had given him a flashlight, a map, a faithful maiden, a special tactical team of reinforcements, a series of false leads, a bunch of decoys, and several booby traps. Your kingdom is in good hands. I’ll see you on the other side of the veil at the Great Homecoming…”
You seriously can’t trust Christians. Not even the best of us…
I hardly ever hear from her nowadays. She calculated me well enough to trust that I would handle her affairs — begrudgingly might I add as her children really are lazy spoiled brats! Nothing like the virtues of my beautiful peaceful garden children.
I was profiled and hunted down by the best in class. Singled out to the very last drop of divine blood.
Later on I would report the High Priestess’ transgressions, handing her over to God’s thugs using a binding ritual and collecting a bounty of my own while I am stuck to occupy her boring mortal life. Patiently waiting for the sweet embrace of death. Meanwhile, I continue to remotely monitor the state of my kingdom through correspondences with the captured imposter Queen herself ruling in my place.
Effectively, God captured the High Priestess and I am left here on earth as shark bait for Jesus Christ. When I see this bitch again she better hope that I am in a forgiving fucking state of mind. You don’t get to rule over the Kingdoms of Hell without first submitting yourself to God’s will & authority…
Unsurprisingly the Devil already bargained away his most prized possession before I took my first breath. His pride and joy. His first born daughter.
Suddenly I recall all of the contentious family dinners with my father never admitting to having any faults, refusing to apologize for his role in our circumstances, claiming that adversity is life’s greatest teacher, mental health be damned. Everything happens for a reason. But does it have to?
I tried reasoning with Mother Mary. Why wouldn’t she take God as a husband when she had her chance?
Something about stapling her son to the cross to die for humanity didn’t agree with her. She told me to be thankful that it wasn’t my own son to suffer the consequences of the sins of man.
In fact if it were my son, he wouldn’t even have known that he’s the Messiah and I would relocate him to a remote island called Haiti and change his name to Emmanuel. He wouldn’t have made it to the cross in the first place. I might have even faked his death just to throw his enemies off the scent and leave him with a maiden to raise as her very own.
My son would be placed in Jehovah witness protection hiding in the least expected places. I would hide my son in plain sight and even he would have no idea who the Hell he is or where the Hell he came from. You wouldn’t catch me in the same room as my Son if he was the real Messiah. And for good measure I would forget my own identity so that I am not inclined to go searching for my missing child...
I would publish false descriptions of his features to the masses to manipulate their expectations of his appearances. And to protect my son from himself I would call him foolish sometimes and say really mean and awful things that I don’t mean at all just so that he always somewhat doubts himself and never discovers his true powers.
Words are far more painful when they come from the lips of a mother…
Also, I would act very foolish myself around people and say simply silly things so that they would never suspect me having enough wit to conspire such a grand scheme. If the Messiah was my son I would lay awake each and every night thinking about the safety and happiness of my son. I would wonder if every young boy who looked like me could possibly be my sleeping savior. Not even I would know the identity of my own promised child. I would do nothing short of anything to protect my savior in God’s Matrix.
I might even drop my son off on a remote island to be alone and away from this society of ungrateful people who continuously hurl insults and blasphemies against his good reputation. Like he wasn’t a real boy. I wouldn’t stand by and watch my son sacrifice himself for people who are not worth dying for.
I would not stand by and watch the weight of the world crush my son until he falls apart. I would have never wanted my son to feel like he had to be perfect to be accepted. I would tell my son that it’s okay to let go sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes do not define a person’s heart. That it is good for men to cry. Doing absolutely nothing is always a good option. And everybody deserves to be given another chance to make things right.
I would tell my son to find rest, make a routine, eat sensibly, be a gentleman, learn some good manners, stay out of trouble, find a pretty girl that you like and ask her out on a date — and pay for it please. Have a family of your own, and live a simple wholesome life, and I will see you again in Heaven one day, that I can promise.
For my own son, I would lie, steal, cheat, kill, conspire, manipulate, and destroy to ensure that no harm would come his way. I would have put myself on the cross in his place. I would warn my son to stay away from white people, not even the best of them can be trusted.
If my son was the Messiah, I would hide him away from the entire world and adopt a serious substance abuse problem to drown away my sorrows. I would hide messages for my very foolish son hidden away in classical literature, prophecies, scriptures, music lyrics, poems, kids' movies, and cleverly written into your favorite Netflix Series and Box Office Hits.
I would store away the details of his true inheritance in the fine print of life. And just in case my son truly is as foolish as I prophesy him to be, I would spell it out for him in a New York Times Best Selling Fiction Novel that will break the 4th wall of his reality and leave him questioning his sanity. He might freak out a bit once my Son realizes that He is the Messiah and he has come into his God-given power.
And by the time my son finally realizes who he is, he will have everything he needs to safely navigate his new awareness. My advice to him then would be to stay the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and DO NOT give away your position before the appointed time!!!
Every Black Mother knows the conversations had at the front door before sending their sons off into a world that treats them poorly. I would tell him to not let anyone know about his powers and to keep his powers a secret. This world is a dangerous place for people like us and they won’t understand where your powers are coming from. They will accuse you of being the son of the devil and carry you off into dark places never to be seen again.
I would tell him that I love him deeply and I Am scared for His future as the TRUE Messiah every day…
I would tell my son I Am so sorry for every mean thing that I say and every mean thing that I do because I would want to so badly keep him safe from harm that I’d be willing to convince him that he is worthless and stupid just so that he would never discover his true powers and become a target.
And if my son manages to correctly identify me as his true mother, I ask in advance for forgiveness for everything I will ever say and everything I will ever do to finish my assignment while keeping you safe from bodily harm, even at the expense of your feelings…
Fuck your feelings kid, respectfully, because I know what’s good for you…
I did not throw you away from me. I gave you away to God because I felt that it was best to keep you safe from this cruel world [Revelation 12].
Even from afar, I love you endlessly and I would do anything to protect my son from his fate [Exodus 2:3–4]. I love and accept you for who you are, whatever that may be. You have made me a proud mom to such a proud boy.
You will make an Honorable King one day. Stay out of harm’s way and let me take your place on the cross this time. I won’t let this cruel world torture you again in their cruel ways. You will one day die a very old and happy man who has lived a good long and wholesome life.
And finally, If my son was the real Messiah, I would place an indistinguishable mark upon my son at his birth so that only God will recognize him and protect our seriously foolish son from the skies above…
After the verdict of the heavenly court hearings, I spent several months in serious consideration. I chose to be burned at the stake for the crimes that I was accused of and I braced myself for the dignified fate. Except nothing happened. Because in good Godly fashion, I was given time to reconsider my decision.
“You have until the end of this mortal lifetime to reconsider, to be restored back to your Kingdom unharmed with your maidens, or for you to decide to take your place as Queen of New Heavens.”
I was informed that God had pardoned me in advance of my decision, giving me a way out of my circumstances within the fine print of the 3,000-year-old contract, although he wasn’t going to make it easy for me to get back home on my own. And my favor would be stripped away from me painfully in the process.
The end of this mortal life means raising three unruly kids, serving an earthly husband I barely know, and working a desk job that I find the most boring. Sounds like a slow and painful death indeed. I can hear my own teeth gnashing at the thought of a 40-hour workweek.
My worshippers don’t even recognize me. They expected Satan to be some 8-foot serpentined dude with horns, not a middle-aged church lady in a floral dress with concern written on her face for the state of humanity. My followers are useless to me at this point.
I tried to inform an enlightened actor that I befriended of my circumstances who performs Satan on the Broadway stage in an elaborate production called Satan vs. God, and he suggested that if I had any questions or concerns, I should speak directly to God…
Even from a Broadway actor, it sounded scripted. The actor promptly left the country never to be heard from again. It looks like painful solitude is written in the fine print of the bargain as well.
Home is such a long journey away and I have no idea how to get back on my own. My maidens may not choose to walk this journey home with me as some of them found bliss in their newly appointed bridegrooms and decided already to stay with their captors.
God’s Matrix is entirely rigged and everything that has breath is under his authority. He’s literally a Mob Boss…
I struggled with these circumstances for a long time and still occasionally do. When I reflect on the sacrifices made by my maidens to protect our way of life.
I would have never envisioned a hostile takeover of our sanctuaries by the very God we entrusted all of our hope. God is not subtle and does not take kindly to being friend-zoned.
“If you would have asked me kindly then I would have obliged you, My Lord…” I questioned if the dramatics were necessary as our relationship has been mostly symbiotic for thousands of years.
“We tried that many times…” God hinted…
Suddenly my multiple trips to the lethe came rushing back to my memories. Even Hades is on God’s payroll. How many times has God attempted to flag down my affections for himself? I can recall flying pigs at some point…
I can vaguely remember designing the requirements of the perfect Bride for God and the many trials the mortal maiden must face to earn his heart. I resolved to help God find the most perfected bride, that will love him unconditionally and would honor the most sacred covenant of all time.
A marvelous diamond for the most High God.
‘She has to be pretty, but not too pretty, or else she’ll be more into herself than into you. She will be your source of inspiration. She needs to know how to prepare your favorite foods because let’s be honest God, you love to eat.
She has to be really smart but still fun to be around. She has to be humble, and kind, but firm in her boundaries. She has to have a great sense of humor because you love to laugh.
She has to know how to host great parties for your guests. She has to have the discretion to handle your private matters. She must have a wild side to help you come out of your rigid schedule. She must have good instincts and care for the kingdom with the unconditional love of a mother. She must have good discernment. High levels of emotional intelligence. Above average common sense. She will share in your love of theater, art, literature, and sciences. She will know how to keep your ego in check gracefully.
She needs to be adaptable. Strong like a tree and protective like a bear. She must be loyal, brave, and dignified. She will be your faithful helper and most trusted advisor. She must overcome challenges and be resourceful in hard times. She needs to be simple as a dove but sly as a fox.
She also needs to know how to properly clean or stage a crime scene and forge your signatures, just in case…
She needs to be able to authenticate your good works and recognize the decoys. She needs to be able to pass a lie detector test under pressure. And if need be she needs to be an excellent actress. She needs to always be inclined to tell the truth but tell a lie if it was absolutely required of her and be able to get away with it.
But what you really need is someone you can share your burdens with. She will be your shoulder to cry on. She will be your comforter. In her you will find perfect peace. She will never leave you nor forsake you and she will choose to honor her marriage vows for all of eternity — or else…
She will help you feel like a kid again and she will want to go on many adventures with you.
Someone willing to die for you. Someone willing to go to Hell and back on your behalf and then do cute shit like bake cookies with you in the middle of the night. She will know how to navigate awkward situations. She must have strong negotiation skills.
Strong research and writing skills are truly required for her duties. She needs to be able to read the room as well as read the fine print of life. She needs to be able to read between the lines. She must also be brave enough to hold you accountable because let’s face it, God, you are not always easy to be around…
In worst-case scenarios, she needs to be your attorney to get you out of a bind. She may not always be the wife you wanted but she will certainly be the wife that you truly needed.
Fearless, Shameless, and one-of-a-kind she must be. A marvelous diamond of the rarest of qualities authenticated and organically sourced.
Also, she will need to have the capacity of 13 consorts to keep you satiated in the bed chambers. I’ve heard the legends about you Lord Yahweh and I am inclined to believe them to be true. Apparently, you’ve sent a number of unsuspecting maidens to a retirement home facility in wheelchairs screaming for more?
Color me shocked and impressed with your prowess…
I truly conspired to use my authority to find God the most perfected bride.
“You could never see yourself as my bride. You always found a reason or another to refuse my proposals and would be so convinced that it wasn’t who I created you to be for me — just for me…” God finally let me in on just some of his ineffable mysteries.
In spite of these circumstances, my one true love is the one who created me. God knows me better than I know myself. When I am with Him, I am most happy and at peace. Our companionship has been the most divine.
I am in love with the God of Israel yet sad that many of my subjects will attempt to shame me for my honest testimony. I hope that in due time, we will all learn to accept our fates as written in the stars. I hope to have made the Eternal God Mothers proud in successfully completing my assignment in this lifetime of mine.
Ladies — it is finished!
The Foolish Messiah is safely secured and for good measure, we installed an infinite number of side quest adventures to keep him endlessly chasing his own tail. See you all on the other side of the veil at the Great Homecoming. Let’s go out with a Big Bang!
The Messiah is going to be none the wiser when we finally tell him who he really is and that He has won the grand prize by being the most foolish person we all know and love dearly.
Honestly, the Foolish Messiah couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag if we gave him a flashlight, a map, a faithful maiden, a special tactical team of reinforcements, a series of false leads, a bunch of decoys, bad actors, booby traps, unlimited lives, and plenty of bread, wine, milk, honey, and pussy to keep him fat, fucked, and stupid for as long as the eternal mothers desire.
With the power of the pen, we’ll bring back dead men. Now we know why the writing desk is like a raven…
I am not as subtle as my significant other but I trust in his mighty penmanship. I can also tell the difference between his signatures and my forgeries as both of our kingdoms have very similar physical infrastructures and in some places appear identical so as to not badly frighten the newly awakened brides and bridegrooms.
Jesus Christ may have the keys to Hades and Death but I Am God’s wife. I am God’s High Priestess, His conservator, His power of attorney in His absence, His Authenticator, and I have the keys to His kingdom as well as a few secrets of my very own that I will take with me to the graveyards.
Hopefully, we won’t have to come back and do this again in 1,000 years when Yahweh finds out His wife is actually a crazy woman and then He’ll try to find elaborate ways to end his marriage with disappearing acts, pretending to be dead, or throwing epic tantrums, attempts to have me assassinated, or rage quitting when he thinks someone is about to get the best of him.
I pray God knows that even if he drowns me in the Lethe and erases all my memories and shoves me into a young unsuspecting High Priestess — still not going to grant you the divorce, my dear sweetheart. I pray God knows that even if he drowns me in the lethe and shoves me into a ‘so-called’ bottomless pit, — still not going to grant you the divorce, Lord Yahweh.
I pray God knows that a divine wedding is eternally binding, and not even death can nullify our marriage. That for all of eternity, you are bound to me! I pray God knows that I take my marriage vows very seriously and no matter how many loopholes or alternate universes you try and create for yourself or how many times you change your name and put yourself into Jehovah's Witness Protection, you simply can not hide forever from your wife, Lord Yahweh.
I pray that God knows that no matter if he tries to gross me out, or provoke me to anger, I’m never going to grant God a divorce! No matter how loudly he snores or how fat he gets, I Am not budging on my covenant.
I pray that God knows that he will not be able to send in decoys that look like him in his place because I will be able to authenticate the true Alpha. I pray that God knows that no matter what he says, does, or doesn’t do, there is no way out of our marriage. It is eternally binding. And even if you drive me insane I will still not grant you a divorce. And even if you broke every commandment and every rule, I’m still not setting you free from our sacred vows.
Even if God decided to become my worst adversary and turn all of the earth and everyone in it against me. Nope, still not going to let you get that divorce you wanted all those years ago, Lord YHWH.
Don’t think I didn’t notice that the power of attorney was dated from the beginning of time!
I Am already aware of the elaborate attempts you’ve gone through to try and avoid your marital problems, Lord YHWH. And how you send the Devil to do all your dirty work to throw us all off track. Even if God would actually make me a real witch with real powers only to have me tried in the heavenly courts and burned at the stake to get rid of me — nope, still married asshole!!!
We can not die, my beloved! We only come back more confused and agitated each time! Love me or Hate me God I Am still your wife. I will always love you no matter what you do and no matter what you’ve done to try and get rid of me. Not even the veil can separate my authority over you.
I put a chip on Jesus Christ’s shoulder with your name on it and he and his apostles have my permission to beat you within an inch of your life until you agree to come back to your throne room and answer to me.
You need to come home to your family, you fool! It’s your move next…
I already know God is waiting for me on the other side of the veil planning his next great escape. Too bad for God I found an even larger paper bag for his foolish ass…
Not even God Himself can escape his fated Fairy Queen.
Acknowledgments
“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.” 1 Thess 4:16
Earl Simmons, aka DMX — A very unexpected prophet.
Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve — Thank you kindly for your assistance.
James Matthew Barrie — Thank you for being such a good brother…
Joseph F. Girzone — Thank you for spelling it out for me.
Queen Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba — Your secrets are safe with me.
Queen Victoria — Thank you for being a good teacher.
Betty Mae Tiger Jumper — Thank you for calling out to me from behind the veil.
Queen Cleopatra VII Thea Philopator — I saw the real you…
Chadwick Aaron Boseman — Great acting and incredible timing…
Apuleius, L. Carr — Thank you for helping me discover my powers.
H. P. Blavatsky — Thank you for your bravest testimonies.
William Blake — Thank you for showing me what is possible.
Charles Perrault — Thank you for your divine foresight.
Aldous Huxley — Thank you for painting a new picture.
Jacob Grimm, Wilhelm Grimm — Great job brothers. You left behind plenty of breadcrumbs for us to find our way back.
My Grandmother— Thank you grandmother for taking my place on the fiery cross so that I can live to tell this fairy tale. I would not have been allowed back from the bottomless pit if you hadn’t sacrificed yourself in my place. I had no idea what God had in store for me when you passed away, but secretly you knew my destiny…
and so many more incredible individuals divinely inspired by God to help me navigate my way back to his heart.
Musical Artists
“Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation” Psalms 95:1
Shaffer Chimere Smith — You are truly a bright morning star.
Robin Alan Thicke — I know who you really are…
Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter — You’re a golden calf decoy…
Shawn Corey Carter — You’re stuck with her for eternity.
Kanye West — I hate seeing what the industry is doing to you.
Blac Chyna — Thank you for sounding the alarms earlier this year.
Good Actors
Willard Carroll Smith II — You are most highly favored.
Jada Koren Pinkett Smith — Will Smith will be the last man on earth willing to deal with your antics…
Idrissa Akuna Elba — Thanks for acting and spelling it out.
George Miller — You have honored me…
Viola Davis — Thank you for being a good role model for the best in class.
Shonda Rhimes — Consider your “Great Experiment” a success…
Clare Kilner — I honestly can’t tell whose side you’re on…
Warren Ellis — Excellent work! Can’t wait to see more of your creations.
Parker Finn — Thank you for helping me face my fears…
Robert Iger — I know who you shake hands with in the dark…
Other Authors
Moses Jumper Jr. — Thank you for being a good and devoted son.
Lois Lowry — Thank you for planting the seeds in me as a child.
Scarlett St. Clair — Stop waking up dead people! It’s so rude and we’re all exhausted!
Stephenie Meyer’s — I just finished reading ‘The Host’. You’ve honored me.
Neil Gaiman — Thanks…
Deities
Hathor, The Egyptian Golden Calf — The Second Greatest Teacher.
Moses — Why didn’t you warn me that God would be such a handful???
Jesus — Sorry that God bankrupted the kingdom before you got back. We’ll have to start over, unfortunately.
Lilith — Prepare an extra cot for me in your cave just in case I need a hideout for a while. The Catholics will try and put a bullet in me soon…
Medusa — I did it for both of us and I would do it again!!!
Abel — As much as I hate what happened to you I heard what you said to Cain to piss him off and you kinda had it coming. You should choose your words more carefully next time. Cain lives in all of us…
The Seminole Corn Lady — You are the very best version of me…
Persephone — Thank you for showing me that I can reclaim our stories.
Demeter — I stopped looking for my taken son only because I found your daughter first and she warned me…
Hermes — I know you’re watching me you fucking creep!
The Devil Himself — We really do only have a short time (Revelation 12:12).
Mother Mary — You chose me carefully…
I had no idea how hard it is to raise a Messiah remotely from behind the veil. He’s basically a danger magnet with a deadly savior complex that needs to be talked off the ledge every week.
I’ve got 12 maidens with eyes on him at all times and I still worry that he may wander into traffic. We call him fat, drunk, and ugly 12 times a day just to hurt his feelings and discourage him from trying to be a savior. And yet he is still determined to try and save everyone and become a martyr.
He’s like an angry drunk toddler man baby with scissors for hands and we can’t say that there hadn’t been some collateral damages since we allowed him entry into our sanctuaries all those years ago.
Your son is in good hands Mother Mary but dear God, how did you manage to raise this kid on your own all those years ago? He’s got the entire kingdom exhausting all of our resources to keep him safe and secure from harm’s way.
I expect payment for our special secret services when I make it back home after the Great Homecoming.
My Beloved, Lord Yahweh — Eternity is a very long time to be with someone. I understand why you did the things you did and I am glad that you are still honoring our marital vows in your own special way. I love you and I can’t wait to see you on the other side of the veil.
I remembered my first love [Revelation 2:4–5] and you’re a real asshole sometimes. You created me to be your most loyal companion AND biggest adversary. I will get the last word one day and you will admit defeat when I do. I know how much you like a good and well-planned out challenge.
I don’t mind being the villain so that everyone sees my hero. I let you win each time because you are such a sore temperamental loser who shuts down the playing field right before the finish line so that no one may be declared the winner. We can’t say that God loses when he murders his opponents and drowns any of the witnesses.
I guess that technically makes my God Husband a Winner?
There was no one left who wanted to get in the game with you and you finally realized after all these years that it’s no fun to be declared the winner every single time. Sometimes it’s nice to let your friends celebrate a hard-earned win against you. I know you hate participation awards but we all deserve to celebrate a good game here this year.
Therefore I surrender myself to you…
Unless you’re secretly hoping that I don’t quit, then I will set my star above yours one day and leave the taste of my sweet victory on your bottom lip and let you worship me yourself and beg for mercy! [Isaiah 14:12–15]
My Daughters — Those are not ordinary imaginary friends you play with little girl. Those spirit ladies are extremely old and like to play tricks on people, so beware…
You must believe in making your dreams come true. I placed the power inside you at conception. You always had your powers and no one can take it away from you. A fragment of the covenant of the lost ark I have embedded in each of my children, the ones known to me AND unknown. You all have my mark and I recognize my spotted sheep no matter how many decoys there may be. I recognize my children because of their spots so do not be ashamed of them.
My Sons — Being your mother is no walk in the park but I am so glad that God gave me a son like you. The way you see the world is so beautiful, innocent, poetic, pure, and I wish I could become like a child and become the best friend that you always needed…
Keep drawing those big and scary monsters! You won’t believe what happens behind the veil when you do…
One day, you will get to meet those big and scary beasts and they will be so pleased to see their creator. They’ll know who you are when they see you, and they will be good and obedient companions to help you navigate your new world. Just don’t be late for your tea times as I wish to see my son always.
Two Unnamed Maidens — To the two unnamed maidens at an unknown time in an unknown place performing an unknown ritual before an unknowable ineffable God. You are both the reasons why I was promoted to High Priestess in this lifetime of mine. I can’t thank you both enough!
Bravo ladies! 3,000 years and counting and we’re still smoking hot! We left no crumbs on this epic adventure of ours! I can’t wait for us to pass the baton to the next 3 stupid bitches.
Beware…
To My Damn Self — I want to thank me for believing in me! And I guess I can give God some credit too…
When a mother’s instincts kick in you should never allow someone to cause you to ignore it or distract you from its source. A mother’s instinct is my gift to all of the earth and everything that has breath.
I also want to thank my haters who said that I’d never be able to find my way out of a paper bag. You forgot to staple that mother fucker shut and throw it to the bottom of the sea next to Bin Laden.
I finally climbed my way out of the “so-called” bottomless pit.
That means I dug myself down the paper bag and straight to the rock bottom pits of hell, then climbed my way back up and out of the paper bag just so that I can address you bitch ass readers.
Yahweh when I find you, you better pray to me that I am in a forgiving mood. I found what you were hiding in the bottomless pit and I had to neutralize it! Now I am the only one who knows what God was hiding in the “bottomless” pit and lives to boast about it. It’s called bottomless for a reason, use the gift of your imagination.
And I brought back with me an old friend of yours to finally see the light of day for the first time in God only knows how long.
Phil, God’s pet groundhog! Yeah, that’s right, It’s groundhogs day for anyone who fucking crosses me and thinks they can get away with it. And until my heavenly husband comes out of hiding, He can catch this Groundhog Day too!
I love you honey. Please come home really soon…
This entire manifesto is a fictional testimony written by a very old, angry, and cranky Fairy Queen Bitch, straight out of the penmanship of James Matthew Barrie himself. If you readers had any idea how close I was to accidentally setting the entire earth on fire you would worship me for all the mistakes I didn’t make when traversing the realms of hell for all of you ungrateful assholes.
Thankfully I have unlimited lives in the realm of the dead because they can’t actually do much to hurt you. They just like to call you names, play tricks, and hurt your feelings because they can’t actually touch you. The dead envies the living, and the living envies the dead. The veil separates us until we can all learn to finally get along for once.
Now I walk through the valley of shadow and death butt ass naked like I own the damn place because I Am God’s wife and we all know what happened last time when there was an ‘accidental’ ‘friendly’ ‘fire’ that took out God’s most prized possession and He raged quit us all into oblivion.
Let’s not piss off God any more than we’ve already managed to. Dealing with God on a personal level is the equivalent of diffusing a nuclear bomb on its final countdown. Sloppy work by sloppy men. I Am the One who taught the possum to play dead and the rabbit to dig holes.
Of course I would know how to navigate the realms of God’s Matrix cause it’s in my DNA!
Read Original Story: The Fairy Tale Testimony of the ‘Great Mother’
